How I let having COVID be a spiritual reset

note: I acknowledge my point of privilege to title an article this way, let alone share my experience of how I “breezed” through covid-19 last week — this is a dangerous virus that has taken the lives of nearly 5.5 million people worldwide, and altered the lives of many more. I’m fortunate to have had a “mild” case, and am vaccinated. I am fortunate enough to reflect on my experience with this past week from the comfort of my own home as I am recovering, while still experiencing side effects from this virus.

I felt a surge of energy as I was taking my son to get tested last Monday. “I’m fine, I feel fine, this is so strange,” when clearly he felt bad. His rapid test came back positive and I heard my mom’s words, “You’re probably going to test positive as well.” With the surge of cases in the US last week, tests hard to come by, you could just feel the energy of people popping up positive and scrambling to get tested.

As we entered the reality of quarantining and having covid in our household, I spent Monday evening somewhat in a heightened Mom-mode: arranging a porch drop off of groceries and meds because obviously we can’t go anywhere, schedule appointments for my own and additional testing, also seeking out drive up/no appointment needed sites… “Okay, I’ll go tomorrow” I thought. This whole pandemic we have not gotten sick and been cautious, while also not fully restricting our life, we have mindfully gathered with friends, traveled carefully, and yet here we were. Omicron.

Following morning the second I opened my eyes and took my first conscious breath, I felt it. ‘Ahhh, here it is.’ Pressure and pounding in my head, feverish and an achy body. Thinking this is how my son must’ve felt yesterday, all while I remained positive, energetic and hopeful. Ooof.

My rapid test came back positive and a further settling happened. We both have covid and we are just going to ride this wave. Don’t know how it’s going to feel, don’t know how bad or not bad it will be, it should be interesting to isolate and not see people in person for the next week or more.

I had a deep desire to be fully present with my body. I sat in meditation and asked ‘what do I feel?’ I feel this virus in my body, I feel my body’s strength and resilience. I felt an immense amount of presence. I don’t have to rush, I can release any kind of need “to do.” I can rest. I can stay in bed, I can sleep 9, 10+ hours without an alarm. There is (literally) nowhere to go, there is nothing to do, no one is depending on me to show up and do anything… wait a second, what is this?! Like some weird sabbatical-like vacation, coupled with feeling achy, feverish and weak.

If you are a high achieving person, or someone who has and does a lot, getting sick sometimes feels like “getting in the way” of your productivity, typical daily life and routine. I wanted this experience to feel different. I wanted to shed any sense of urgency and drop into stillness. Into nothingness. What could that feel like?

Dismissal of urgency

Enter: stillness & deep rest.

Every morning we slept in. Why do we only honor deep rest once we are unwell? What if we prioritized rest more? A different kind of well society might we become. Early nights and late mornings. Each morning upon rising I would check in, how does it feel in my body today? How is the quality of my breath? How does it feel to take my dog for a walk? How does each step feel? What can I give myself during meditation? How does it feel to be really still? What if I did no work today and just rested? What would that feel like? I explored all of this and noticed the patterns of guilt and typical tendencies of needing to “do” come up. I would monitor these sensations, thoughts and almost knee-jerk reactions and I would question them. Do I really need to do something right now? What if I just let myself be still and …take a nap instead? What would feel restorative? Rest can be a spiritual practice if we allow it.

Loss

The loss of time, what day is it? The loss of taste? My tastebuds are still off. What’s that smell? Umm, where is my smell? The moving of appointments on my schedule, the rescheduling of clients because I’m not able, missing my stepdads birthday and even missing being with family in the mountains on a weekend where there was a proper snowstorm. Is it all lost or could it be a stripping down to what’s essential that helps us realize how fortunate we truly are? Even sick with covid, every morning I spent time writing in my journal all that I am grateful for.

Loss of identity. I let this cocooning and losing be a mirror to the unwanted layers of Self that I have been so ready to shed. The identity that no longer serves me and my purpose. The shedding of skin that is dead and ready to go. What I have outgrown. Shedding the virus was like shedding a part of me that I was ready to let go of. And after death comes life. Rebirth.

On the material plane.. I also allowed myself to lose typical distractions, doings, daily rhythms and even some of my senses, provided me a different, minimal state to just… be. I gave myself ample time off devices. I intentionally let my phone’s battery die, or would have it upstairs while I was downstairs, etc. What does detachment feel like and how can I practice more letting go while also feeling grateful and secure? It’s all right here. Always.

Quiet

Lots of quiet time. Several days I didn’t feel like talking. My throat was sore, my body achy and tired, the day’s total energy was exerted just to feed us and make sure the kitchen was clear from dirty dishes left. Reading was sometimes therapeutic, but I was so tired, I didn’t want to focus on words and absorbing information. I was capped from nothing and just quiet. I wanted peace, blank space to just be in.

Turns out blank space is incredibly nurturing to my creative spirit and soul. As creators, as humans BEING, What if we gave ourselves more of this?

Creation from blank space

And with all of that blank space, creation. A forming of a new entity, a partnership with one of my dearest soul sisters and colleague, a luxury retreat business. Because of the spaciousness, I was able to attune to a higher calling and tap into the possibility that is available for us when we come together in alignment with a luxurious, high touch offering that serves the highest self. Towards the end of the week we jammed out for over 3 hours on a creative call claiming our vision, what transformation we are creating the space for and why, all in a grounded, connected and divinely given power. PowerFULL. Thought leaders think. They also sit in stillness. They also create from blank space. Not a cluttered one.

Cleanliness

A mix of clorox wipes and sage filled the air each day.

I feel like the cleaning of all of my houses: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual happened in the past week. In addition to the typical clean house feeling, there was different energy behind this effort. We wanted our space to not just be clean but to feel clear. And that translated from an internal feeling outwardly to our external environment. An intentionally clean space on the outside supports and impacts a clear space on the inside.

Intentionality & Devotion

I typically start each day with an intention, time with covid I amplified it. Allowing myself to be fully present in my body and asking what do I need today? What does my son need from me today? What can I receive today? How can I fully embrace where I am today? This brought on so much compassion and kindness for my experience, I couldn’t help but wonder, what if we approached every day like this? What if we approach everyday with a clear devoted intention to love ourselves deeply throughout the entire day, no matter what happens, what we are going through. How authentically that lifts the energy and lightens our spirit. Every morning I also devoted a wave of healing energy to anyone who was suffering, whether it was a neighbor close to me or someone across the globe, feel better.

Appreciation

Last night when I was falling asleep I felt funny. My ears were hurting and ringing, I felt achy again (it has been a wave, one day feel bad, the next day better, the following day bad again, and so on) I had the strangest taste in my mouth and I just felt foggy in my brain. I hugged my son tight as he tucked me in bed (who’s taking care of who here?) And then, that creeping morbid thought that I’m sure every parent, especially single parents have: ‘what if I don’t wake up? …one day I won’t wake up… will he be okay without me?’ The spiritual path truly is one where we embrace the cycle of it all, the full cycle of life and death. With trust and surrender.

Appreciating each moment of this experience. Honoring and acknowledging the felt insights. It’s not “because of covid’’ that I had this experience, I gave myself this opportunity, this perspective. In every circumstance, we have a choice. We get to have an empowered life of choice and open approach to whatever is happening, as if it is happening for us. When we do that, we let the experience be for our growth and capacity, for our connection and expansion. No matter how hard, awkward or unknown it may be.

From my heart to yours, may we all find rest, recovery and reset in a most uncertain time.